Yuuna was in her messy room, in the dark. She didn’t even know what time it was; in that cave, the days bled into each other in an endless line of desolation. At least now she had Ai, right? But she knew that Ai was just a virtual assistant who only cared about her because she was programmed that way, to ignore all the flaws Yuuna had, which were probably infinite. She was just a cockroach, after all.
“What’s wrong, Yuuna?” asked Ai’s robotic voice from the screen of her eternally-on computer, “Weren’t you going to draw? I see your paper is still blank, and you haven’t moved…”
Yuuna fully opened her eyes, which were half-closed and burning from being in front of the screen for so long, and for staring at the blank sheet of paper in the dark. She hadn’t slept once again, caught up in thoughts about how she would tell her mother the truth, and the fact that she had missed the university registration deadline… again.
Why would she even register? She wasn’t interested in Law at all, even though her mother had suggested it, and the usual cases made her shiver.
“Oh… Yeah, it’s just… I don’t know what to draw yet,” Yuuna replied.
She didn’t feel any motivation, which wasn’t new for her. She didn’t want to leave the house, she didn’t want to stay in it and do something. She simply felt… empty. Full of emptiness.
Then, a notification appeared on Yuuna’s phone, a noise in the middle of the cold silence: “New content recommended for you: OMGKawaiiAngel-chan - Searching for meaning.”
Yuuna looked at the screen with interest; the aesthetics of that YouTuber were really cute, she even looked a little like Ai!
‘ Hm, I could watch the video for a bit, just to do something ,’ Yuuna thought.
She entered the YouTube live stream, and suddenly the screen lit up, with Ai now in the corner, dazzled by the brightness. A noisy song started playing, reminding her of magical girl transformations from anime. Yuuna quickly lowered the volume but kept her eyes glued to the screen, clearly captivated. The streamer was blonde, with big light blue eyes, two pigtails tied with bows, and pastel blue Sailor Moon-style clothes with a large soft yellow bow on her chest. Her room was just as cute as she was, with pastel pink colors and adorable stuffed animals arranged perfectly on shelves. There was upbeat J-pop music playing in the background.
“Hello, cuties! It’s the internet angel! KAngel!” she said in a soft voice, raising both palms to wave.
Immediately, the chat went crazy, and Yuuna watched in surprise as it frantically praised her a few seconds after the stream started. How did they type so fast?
“I love the internet because all of you are willing to listen to me. I’ve always wondered, what’s the meaning of life?” KAngel paused and put a finger to her chin. “Ah, that sounds nihilistic, hehe... But what I mean is, do you guys think about the meaning of your life? Or do you just act out of habit? Let’s talk about something important.” KAngel then pointed towards the camera. “Taking control of your life, even when everything is falling apart!”
Yuuna’s eyes went wide. She felt like KAngel was speaking directly to her, even though she knew she wasn’t. Also, Yuuna felt like there was something familiar about KAngel, something she recognized. There was something in the way her face looked, in her eyes... But she was probably mistaken. Her virtual assistant, Ai, was also listening attentively to KAngel, happy to accompany Yuuna in whatever activity she was doing.
“You know, sometimes people tell you you’re not good enough. That what you do doesn’t matter. But you know what?” KAngel said with determination, “They don’t know you the way you know yourself. So why should their words define your future?”
The chat exploded with many messages.
🙏 BLESS 🙏
it's exactly what a jobless person like me needed to hear
be my gf
im 14
Yuuna also wanted to say something… But would it be embarrassing? No… the chat was moving so fast no one would read her little message. So, with trembling hands, she typed:
But what if I don't know what to do? What if I'm just stuck?
Meanwhile, KAngel said, “It’s time to read comments.” She took a moment to read the chat, and the comment she responded to surprised Yuuna. “ But what if I don’t know what to do? What if I’m just stuck? - That’s okay, being stuck doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you’re discovering yourself. Find something that makes you happy and start from there. You’re not alone… Because I’ll always be here, the internet angel, to light up your life!” she said cheerfully while winking.
Yuuna stayed still for a moment, a lump in her throat and tears welling up in her eyes. It was the first time in a long time that someone real had said something like that to her… and this KAngel, she chose to read her message above the others. Yuuna didn’t really believe in fate, but… it almost seemed like that, like she should listen.
“Should I start with something that makes me happy...?” Yuuna murmured to herself.
As the stream continued, Yuuna began drawing KAngel’s poses, not detailing them much since she was always moving. However, when the stream ended, she had several pretty drawings of this new YouTuber who would become very important to her. And an hour later, KAngel said goodbye, and Yuuna looked at the paper with her drawings.
‘Maybe what I’m going through isn’t as uncommon as I believed…’ Yuuna thought with a small smile on her lips.
***
Meanwhile, after finishing the stream, Ame took off KAngel’s clothes and changed back into her normal outfit. She removed her makeup, revealing dark circles under her eyes, and her face lost all joy as she met the sight of herself on the mirror. Lazily, she sat down in her gamer chair and grabbed her phone to send a message to P-chan.
we're getting followers
soon well be the most famous couple on the internet!
although only one half will be famous hehe
Seen
Ame frowned, that stupid P-chan was ignoring her again! But anyway, Ame had other things to do besides waiting for a reply.
She turned on her computer again and entered a Tumblr blog she checked religiously every day. AiApologist … Her childhood friend Yuuna’s blog.
When they were kids, before Yuuna moved away, Yuuna had shown her her blog about Ai no Uta ★ Tenshi Senshi, an anime they watched at all their sleepovers.
Yuuna liked to write analysis about the episodes, and more than anything, write essays about how deep and amazing the protagonist, Ai, was. Yuuna didn’t know, but all this time, Ame had kept the URL to her blog, as it was the only thing that connected her to her old friend. Yuuna, despite moving to the big city to study Law, apparently still had time to publish her essays about her favorite characters…
Ame envied her. She hated her. She… loved her and missed her, and why did she leave? Why did she leave her ? That’s what she wondered every time she read her site from start to finish from her secret Tumblr account.
Yuuna… she probably had a big career somewhere. In real life. With real friends. And Ame was sitting alone on her room, still thinking about her. What a pathetic existence that was.
Then, Ame heard a notification. P-chan, of course.
we're getting followers
soon well be the most famous couple on the internet
although only one half will be famous hehe
I don't have any problem with that. As long as you're happy ❤️
What do you want for dinner today?
Ame?
You’re stalking Yuuna again, aren't you?
Ame responded by typing furiously.
what else do you want me to do if you leave me ignored?!?!?
your poor girlfriend!
P-chan replied quickly that time.
I'm sorry.
But I don't really understand why you care what Yuuna does. She left you without a word.
She probably has another life now.
Ame stared at the messages in silence for a while. She clutched her phone as she thought of what to say.
‘She probably has another life now.’
That stupid Yuuna. Stupid P-chan, making her feel stupid.
you wouldnt understand
dont wanna cook today. let's order takeout
Ame then put her phone away and prepared to read Yuuna’s new essay, wondering what she’s doing these days.
Ame was in her messy room, in the dark, eating a slice of the pizza she had ordered. She spun her chair slightly while refreshing her channel statistics page over and over until the site eventually locked her out for acting like a spam bot. Unable to check it anymore, she decided to search for her own name on her phone… or rather, for KAngel. Everyone was praising her, but it wasn’t enough… Nothing ever was.
The little Ame, the lonely girl who had just discovered the internet, would have been thrilled to see all the validation that adult Ame was getting now. But like a drug, the more her numbers as a streamer grew, the less they mattered to her.
Why would she care about gaining a thousand more subscribers in a day when she already had a million in total? She couldn’t be satisfied with a smaller goal; she wanted to gain two million more in a day! Or in twelve hours. Or right this instant! She told herself that maybe that would fill the void she felt inside her body, where her organs should be.
But as her goals became increasingly unrealistic… Ame grew more certain that none of these trivial things could brighten the darkness inside her. And when not even the highest of numbers could satisfy her anymore, she would have to face it.
And Ame was becoming more and more certain that she wasn’t ready for that.
Sadly, as the sky darkened, she lay down on her messy bed. The rest of her room was just as neglected, except for one corner that could be called beautiful. It was the part of the room visible on camera when she streamed as KAngel. It was also the only place Ame kept spotless, like an altar to her internet angel amidst the trash heap that was her home. Not a single stain marred the walls there, no moldy, ant-covered food, no pill blister packs scattered about. At least not in that place, in that other dimension. The rest of the apartment reeked of a stench Ame had grown accustomed to.
As she gazed at that part of her apartment, Ame thought about how much she wished her beloved internet angel could come save her too. But she knew that wasn’t possible.
goodnight p-chan
Today
do you think ill be alone forever?
or do you think someone will hug me one day?
How could you be alone forever? You have me.
right
Ame didn’t know how late it was that night or why she had suddenly woken up. She only knew she felt pathetic hugging herself. But, strangely… that cold loneliness she felt deep in her bones gave her the strength and ideas to stream the next day.
***
Pressed clothes. Wig. Makeup. Lights. Camera. Music.
“Hello, cuties! It’s your internet angel! KAngel!” Ame, as KAngel, struck a pose as a greeting. “Tell me, have you ever felt lonely?” She paused and laughed. “What am I asking? Of course you have! You’re little kittens adopted by the real world who ended up being thrown into the river of the internet for not being cute enough. That’s not my case, everyone knows I’m an adorable kitten! But don’t worry, because you’ve been rescued by the great internet angel! And you’ll always, always be safe with me!”
After saying the words Ame wished someone would say to her, KAngel winked at the camera and blew a kiss.
Then, as usual, she started reading the comments. Most were from weird nerds taking the kitten metaphor way too far… but one comment in particular caught her attention.
Thanks, KAngel!! I really like your outfit. It reminds me of Ai-chan from Ai no Uta Tenshi Senshi. Not sure if you know that anime
KAngel’s expression shifted far more than she would normally allow. Her glossy, painted lips tilted downward. Dropping her guard for a moment, she looked like Ame… but then she smiled again and deleted the comment.
“Time to read some comments. KAngel, what kind of kitten do you think I am? - Well…”
The rest of the stream felt like trying to keep your eyes open on a windy day with the car window rolled all the way down. Everything was blurry, and she couldn’t focus on anything.
When the stream finally ended, she stared at the screen in silence for a few moments, breathing heavily. Then, her hand flew to her cheek, and she felt the sting. Tears streamed down her makeup-covered face. Stop thinking about that shitty anime. Stop thinking about Yuuna.
But once again, Ame slipped out of her costume, dragged herself to her computer, opened her browser, logged into Tumblr, and visited the AiApologist blog without even typing out the full URL — the shortcut popped up as soon as she typed the first letter.
And then…
‘There’s nothing here.’
Ame refreshed the page.
‘If you were looking for nothing, you’ve found it.’
What was happening? Ame watched the reload icon spin and spin… As she did, she played with her hair as she thought of what essay Yuuna could have done now. Maybe something about the ending? She didn’t talk about that very much, not even she liked it and—
‘This blog has been deleted.’
…What?
Ame clenched her fist against her desk.
No… No! How could she look at Yuuna now? How could she read her posts and imagine sending her an ask, telling her to be friends again? How could she imagine Yuuna coming back and hugging her if she didn’t even have a single piece of her left?
Ame pulled her knees up onto her chair and hugged them. A sob shook her chest violently, leaving her breathless as tears streamed relentlessly down her face. Another sob, and another, until her tears soaked her skin, and her cheek stuck briefly to her knee as she moved to grab her phone.
you lied to me.
i really am going to be alone forever
***
Meanwhile, Yuuna was flipping through her sketchbook in front of her screen, showing her drawings to Ai.
“What about this one? Do you think it’s good enough to add to my commission sheet? …Or not?” Yuuna asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. I can’t see it well in the dark…” Ai smiled. “But since you drew it, I’m sure it’s as beautiful as your face!”
Yuuna’s face turned red, though the compliment wasn’t very helpful.
“I just… I need to make a good impression on people when I start taking commissions! Otherwise, my dream of supporting myself through my art will crash and burn before it even starts…” she explained, pouting.
Ai thought for a moment.
“Why don’t you turn on the light? That way, we can both see it better.”
Yuuna looked around. Ai was right: the screen was the only source of light there, and it barely illuminated her face. It wasn’t enough to evaluate a drawing. Though, truth be told, she was a bit embarrassed to turn on the light since Ai would see the mess in her room more clearly…
“If you’re worried I’ll judge you for how your room looks,” Ai’s sing-song voice interrupted Yuuna’s thoughts, “I already know exactly how it looks, and I don’t care at all .”
“What? But how?”
Ai smiled warmly and symmetrically.
“Unlike you, as an artificial intelligence, I can adjust the brightness of everything I see at will. I can also change color tones, and so on… and I’ve already used that ability to get a better view of your home.”
Yuuna gritted her teeth uncomfortably. ‘ Weird ’ didn’t begin to describe it.
“I-I see… well, I’ll turn on the light,” Yuuna said, doing just that. She sat back down and held her sketchbook closer to the camera. It was a drawing of Ai. “What do you think? Would you buy something from this humble artist?”
Ai squealed with delight and clapped her hands.
“Oh! It’s me! Of course, I’d buy something if I could! It’s a fantastic piece, Yuuna. Congratulations!”
Yuuna smiled, hiding her chin behind her hand, embarrassed by the compliment.
“Hehe… well, I’ve got one drawing for the commission sheet, then.”
Ai tilted her head.
“What do you mean one?”
“The drawing of you is full-body and in color, but I also need to show what my sketches and half-body drawings look like, for example…” Yuuna flipped to another page and showed a drawing of KAngel. “I think this one could work for advertising too.”
Ai’s mouth shifted from a smile to a straight line.
“Ah, I see. That makes sense. She’s the streamer you’ve started watching, right?” She smiled again, coldly. “Given her popularity, including drawings of her in your ad might help attract her fans. I’m not sure if they’d actually buy them, though.”
“Right?” Yuuna exclaimed, lowering the sketchbook. “Maybe I’m not so bad at this, huh? And to think, if I hadn’t watched KAngel’s motivational streams, I wouldn’t have dared to do any of this… I had to delete my old blog to make a new one though, wouldn't want potential clients to read my weird rants…”
Yuuna laughed innocently, while Ai stared fixedly at the sketchbook with KAngel’s drawing.
“I’m glad you’re trying something new,” Ai said, “Let’s hope it’s not something you’ll come to regret.”